Don’t tell your friends (or siblings, or whatever they are) but I like you the best. You were the first one to talk to me. I saw you first out of everyone. You’re someone I want to keep with me always. If I could have a dæmon, I think I would want him to be like you. Which I guess means I must see part of myself in you.
You’re childish, Ben. Inescapably immature, but not naïve. You’re well aware of what is out there that can hurt you, and you do your best to not seek it out, to not react to it, to not let it affect you in the slightest. You know it’s only a matter of time, but you also know that as long as people just think you’re a child, they won’t expect you to accept what you’re trying to postpone accepting. You’re where I am when I can be, and I like that about you.
You’re favorite color is red. Your favorite pastime is drawing. You don’t like using pencil first because, and you like the way crayons get smaller when you press hard against the paper. You don’t like television or movies because looking at screens gives you headaches. You once found a steel ring lying on the floor of the library—it had engravings of the Chinese Zodiac and you wear it everywhere. You tried to give it to a girl once, but she said it was too big for her and she didn’t want you to stop wearing it. Her name was Tess.
That’s who Tess is. She’s your best friend. You want her to always be your best friend, but she is growing up too quickly for you. The thing you’re most afraid of in the world is that Tess will find someone to replace you, someone who wants to marry her and take her away from you.
It’s a complicated relationship between you and Tess, isn’t it? You love her absolutely, more than you love yourself. You don’t listen to what people say about crushes and infatuation; the way they describe it, none of it sounds like what you feel for Tess. But it doesn’t feel like she’s your sister, either. You have a sister, and you love her too, but it’s not the same. Martha. She’s your sister.
Which means Gus is like your brother, because he’s always over at your…house? You don't live in a house, do you? But wherever you live, Gus is always there, and he’s not there for you, although you can’t believe he’s there for Martha either, because they can’t even look at each other without it registering on the Richter scale.
Do you have parents, Ben? I don’t feel like you do, but then again, I feel so much like I want to be your mother that maybe your real mother just doesn’t register in my head. If she is there, she’s not much of a mother.
Or is she? I don't know, Ben. I want to meet your parents if you have them. You don’t feel like an orphan, but I guess maybe you are. I don't want you to be an orphan, though.
How old are you, Ben?
Love,
Mommy
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